wait...what?

So Allison and I went out for brunch last weekend, and chose the Manhattan Family Restaurant** as our destination. It seemed harmless enough, but of course, there was more to the story. There was a kid working there who I noticed right away, and for the life of me I couldn't stop watching him the whole time we were there. He was absolutely hysterical...his hair was ridiculous, and the only way I can think to describe it is like the helmet on the guy working the control panel in the Death Star:



But the kid was twitchy and hyper and sucked at his busboy job...like at one point he dropped his rag that he uses to wipe the tables. His buddy picked it up and handed it to him, and the rag went immediately to use. AWESOME. But anyway, he wasn't the main event...

So this couple walks in...the guy has his khaki pants rolled up to his knees, hair all grown out, and he was wearing stupid thick black plastic rim glasses, letting us all know that if he had a little bit more musical talent, he would be on VH1 letting us all know how we should feel about global warming. I wanted to tackle him, but it was Sunday brunch so I let it slide. This guy had "I'm gonna order something off the menu with the word 'California' in it" written all over him. Sure enough, the couple was seated directly behind me, and the d-bag ordered the California Omelette. Let's call him "Tool".

That part of the story is totally irrelevant...the main character is our server, Mary Jane**. Mary Jane was doing an adequate job...1 or 2 minor errors, but hey this ain't Ruth's Chris. Mary Jane is about 45 years old, and one look at her will tell you that there's definitely some kind of weird Kansas-born-and-raised story going on there...but I sure as hell wasn't trying to find out what that story was. She was also Tool's waitress, so she would frequently stop by our tables in between sessions of flirting with the busboys (who are like 17 years old). This all culminated in a LOUD discussion between Tool, the Star Wars Busboy, and Mary Jane. Mary Jane wanted to know about Tool's piercing (I didn't look, so I don't know where it was). Tool said it didn't hurt, and Mary Jane said she wanted to get one. Star Wars Busboy said he would pay for it, and get one too. At this point Allison and I are STARING at each other, trying to contain ourselves. But the best was yet to come. Mary Jane looks over at Tool and says "You know, don't laugh at me for saying this, but I was locked up in a Federal Pen for 3 years, and those glasses look just like the ones they issue you in jail". Now come on... Even Tool would have to be rattled by this, right? Hell no. He immediately said "Cool" and thanked her. Wait...what? Was that a compliment??? Indeed it was...Mary Jane walked away and mumbled to herself "I gotta get me a pair of those..."

I. WAS. STUNNED.

Yes, part of the reason why I was stunned was because of what Mary Jane had just announced to the whole restaurant. But what really hit me was the realization that I would be handing my credit card to this convinct in a few minutes. Allison and I scrambled for other options, but there was no way out. I was going to knowingly hand my credit card to a convicted felon. But it's not like she knows what she's doing with credit cards, right? She probably got locked up for driving her Fiero into her ex-husband's trailer or something, right? Well I guess we will never know. We paid, left the restaurant, and cracked up all the way to the car. Star Wars Busboy came outside to wait for his ride or something, and within 30 seconds he had put his hands in his pockets and taken them back out, at least 20 times. We drove away in tears...

So what ever happened with my credit card? Well, no fraud yet. And just to be sure that she wasn't capable of identity theft, Allison did a quick internet search to find that Mary Jame had indeed been locked up at Fort Leavenworth for FORGERY/FRAUD. I'm doomed...here is the link to her information:

Mary Jane's criminal record

** Disclaimer: the identity of Mary Jane and her place of employment has been changed, so that she doesn't track me down and kill me. Or forge my documents, which is also bad.

Oh and HA HA because I set you up...you thought the story was going to end with "Mary Jane" having something to do with "marijuana". And HA HA if you got Rick Roll'd....look it up

Things are still Oriental in Kansas

While most of the U.S. has moved on to Asian American or even Asian to describe the products from our brethren in the Far East, Kansas is still going with Oriental. Maybe the term Asian American just hasn't made it this far inland yet. Not surprising...they don't sell 120 Hz HDTVs here either, so at least they are consistent with their one-generation-ago treatment of all things Oriental. Now I'm just trying to figure out if Mexican is offensive?

music worthy of its own blog entry

Being a music geek, I'm writing today to share an artist that I just found. His name is Peter Adams, and you can download his new album I Woke With Planets In My Face for the price of $whatever-you-want-to-pay on his website:

http://peteradamsmusic.com/wp/store/i-woke-with-planets-in-my-face/

You can even stream the whole album and listen to it before buying. Oh, and did I mention that you can PAY WHATEVER YOU WANT for this album? Yes, I know this has been done before, like Radiohead's In Dreams album. But it's cool every time. Good artists who are willing and able to hook up their fans with music for a good price are hard to find, so I want to support it. Here are a few other reasons to buy this album:

- It reminds me of Dark Side of the Moon by Pink Floyd. I'm not a Pink Floyd fan by any means, and I don't actually think this album sounds like DSotM, but it has the vibe of a movie soundtrack. Everybody knows the old trick with DSotM, right? (Push Play after the lion roars at the beginning of The Wizard of Oz, then the album seems to follow along with the movie) I get the feeling that this same trick could be done with this album...listen to the album and you'll see what I mean.

- I don't know that I'd individually recommend tracks for you to download, because I would recommend listening to this album as a whole "story". For example...the song "Ziggurat" doesn't necessarily stand out to me by itself, but by the time you get to it on the album, it has the feel of a key part of the story. maybe this explanation isn't making sense...

- Every time I listen to the album, I get a kick out of the last minute of "Conversation with the Moon". It's 60 seconds of the space noise, which any fan of Ren & Stimpy or old school black-and-white space movies will appreciate. Man in the Moon...Man in the Moon...this is Earth calling. Repeat...this is Earth calling the Man in the Moon.

- Cool instrumentation, like in I Was Looking at the Ceiling, and then I Saw the Sky. If you don't agree with me that this album sounds like a soundtrack after this song, then you're crazy.

If you're stupid, and decide to go to iTunes to download one of his songs for $.99, instead of just buying the album from the artist himself for $.99 (or whatever other price you decide on), then download The Observatory. In case you were wondering, I paid $5.00 for the album. I figure that's about $4.50 more than what he would have gotten from a record label if he released this album the traditional way.

that John Denver was full of #@!% man

Woop woop...I'm in Kansas yall. After my THIRD drive from Maryland to Kansas (and hopefully the last one) Allison and I arrived safely, and are now on to the unpacking phase of the operation. Yes, we've been here for 10 days now, but it really does take that long to unpack and get situated when you're me. Or if you're Allison. Or if you're both of us combined. But don't worry yall...the Playstation is fully operational.


I worked my first real day of work-from-home today. Have I explained on this blog yet that I'll be working from home? My company was cool and kept me on board...the guest bedroom is my office, and the kitchen is my break room. Breakfast for lunch! Rotini for breakfast! And fortunately, I won't run into any issues if I'm out running errands and need to use the bathroom...local Kansans have solved that problem for me:


My true friends are thinking "he would use it too!"...and they of course are correct.



We have a new roommate...Allison's cat Joe (who is a girl). For those of you who don't have permanent scars from Joe like I do, or like the ones left on my dashboard from the drive here, please visit and make sudden movements near Joe. She will introduce herself. And for those of you who think that my baggy eyes are hereditary, let me also explain that I am allergic to cats. What could be better for my allergies than working in the same apartment as Joe? She chased the reflection from my cell phone all day today, which was initially annoying, but soon became a fun game of "Get the psycho cat to chase the reflection into the hallway then shut the door". I won.


Want to know what life is like in Kansas? Here is a simple 3 step exercise:


1. Download Green Light by John Legend (the remix with Andre 3000).

2. Sit back and relax on your couch with this song playing, with an expensive drink in your hand...close your eyes...and get into the vibe.

3. Kansas is the opposite of this feeling.

updating blogs = overrated

Anyone who is upset by the dormant state of this blog should submit complaints to Customer Service. But all is well...I'm sure you know by now that I'm still in Maryland living at a friend's house, and Allison is most of the way through Semester #1 of vet school. We're both excited for the semester to be over, so that we're not living 20 hours away from each other anymore (and so she can get a break from constant studying, of course). She'll be back on the east coast in late December, then once again (my third time) we'll hit the road for the Midwest in January. A lot of folks have been asking about my job situation, and it's looking like I'll be able to continue working for my current employer while I'm in Kansas. The details are still being worked out, so hopefully that will come together very soon. If not, I got a really intriguing email from a man in Burundi who wants to use my bank account to move $4,500,000 into the U.S., so I might go with that. I'm still deciding...

I was out in Kansas for Thanksgiving (but one week early) and we had a gay old time. I cooked my first turkey and nobody died, which is how I measure success when cooking poultry. The Little Apple is small! I'm getting to know the 10-15 folks who Allison hangs out with there a little better, and since there are only 25 people in town I am about halfway there. Thank God that my boy Mike has a PS3 with college football...this electronic device will surely be integral in maintaining my sanity for the next 3-4 years. Here are some things to listen to:

Does It Offend You, Yeah? - Easily my new "favorite band name to say out loud with a British accent" (The Wombats used to hold that title)...their album You Have No Idea What You're Getting Yourself Into is an energetic good time. It's got a cool mix of styles like New Order, The Killers and maybe some Daft Punk. Warning: do not read the title of this album if you are moving to Kansas.

There's a cool song called Manhattan on the new Kings of Leon album...so download it and think of us! Or get the song I currently have on repeat - If There's A Rocket Tie Me To It by Snow Patrol.

I love you, man

It's hard to blog about Kansas (and to be funny about it) when you're sitting in an apartment in Maryland that's filled with half-packed boxes of clothes and furniture. Honestly, it's giving me a headache every day. So I apologize for the multi-week gap in content here, but I'm refreshed and the blog is back!

I went to Kansas last weekend for a quick visit, and to meet some of Allison's new friends. We had a good time, and it seems like there is a cool crowd of her classmates that are getting along with each other already. It's too early to write about everyone, so I'll wait until they have embarrassing stories to tell. But one thing I learned is that it's STUPID to take a Friday-night-to-Sunday-afternoon trip halfway across the country. I finished one book (My Way by Ralph Friedgen) and started-and-finished another one (Fight Club) aboard AirTran, but next time I'm taking a day or two off of work. Here's what I learned about myself on this trip to The Little Apple - the "J Bollen" persona that many of you have come to know will not be in business in Kansas. There are enough 18-to-22 year old white dudes walking around the streets of that cow town with their "buttmunch" humor and "I love you, man" drunken antics...it will be wise for me to drop my usual public shenanigans and mouthy tendencies, and seek alternative ways to draw attention to myself. Enter Blogspot. More later on my trip to Kansas, including my recap of the bar that I plan to take Luimbe to on his first visit to Aggieville...

By popular (one person) request, I'm gonna throw out some music suggestions periodically on this blog:

Album - Promise of Summer by Jackopierce - it's in my favorite music category (wuss rock with pedal steel) and would make a good study CD for those of you who are in vet school. With song titles like "Come On July" and "Promise of Summer", and then a sad song called "March", you would think he meant to release this album in April? Think Wallflowers without Jakob Dylan's annoying vibe.

Songs - Sweetness in Starlight by Matt Wertz - another wuss-rock selection...I chose this song because I actually saw stars this weekend. When you're in the city and suburbs for a few years, you forget how cool those simple things are. I'm sure in 4 years I'll be saying "When you're in Kansas for a few years, you forget how badly you want to have the option to choose which Target to go to."

and

The America Song by Stephen Kellogg & the Sixers - my favorite song by my favorite band...if this song doesn't make you think of what life must be like in Kansas, nothing will. I'm becoming beautiful...

mr. hanky

allison's ice-breaker event at orientation yesterday was called "Dragon Tails". The purpose of the game is to get as much poo from your opponents' butts into your butt as possible. Sound crazy? Here are the rules: 108 people stuff a bandanna down the back of their pants...then when the game starts you grab each other's bandannas and shove them down the back of your pants. don't you see how this is a great way to meet people? the fecal bond she will form with her classmates will surely last a lifetime...